He finds himself looking back at the trail he's carved through the gentle wood with great guilt and longing. A split second decision that will forever shape the woods. He sought a clearing, a place to rest, a place to find solace, but in seeking it, destroyed the innocent beauty of this place.
They tell him all he has to do is wait
that this storm will pass
but storms do terrible things to the hearts of men
and the temples they have built to their own achievements
I see a man taking down words from a sign in front of a church.
the sign used to say "Christ is the Answer"
maybe he isn't so sure anymore
I bury myself in the sand and wait for the tide
drowning has never been my style
but it's fitting, is it not?
Time to cleanse
Time to heal
Rutger Hauer says it's
Time to Die
He's wrong, of course
and it's all out of context
but the origami unicorn tells me I don't have much time
But Deckard took the last train out, didn't he
didn't he
Cold sweats will season my evenings
seasonings will taste bland to a tired mouth
mouthing the words that have lost meaning
what is he so sorry for?
everything, it seems
he's always apologizing
always correcting himself
but he did no wrong, until now
and now he must invent a new word for apology
a new word for regret
Maybe I can help him
Alonesty
I am alone, now, I am without a friend
I am being honest now, to myself
as only one who is truly alone can be
And so
Alonesty \ə-ˈlōn-əs-tē\
Noun. 1. A state of honesty to oneself that can only be achieved when stripped of all social ties and masquerades. 2. An elevated sense of self resulting in a comatose state of introspective thought.
Feels good to get that written out
recorded
maybe this will help our hero
our villain, rather
Maybe when two roads diverge again
as they often have
He might be able to lay down his machete
and choose to make a real decision rather than hiding
All I want to do is run
I want to drive 17 hours home
and I want to cry but the tears won't come out
because I'm simultaneously the victim and the perp
Can't feel sorry for myself and no one will help me
and I can't help myself and no one feels sorry for me
And they shouldn't.
I don't expect them to.
All I expect is patience and understanding
all I hope is that someday I can come back here and see the woods regrown
that nature will heal itself
and even if the woods cannot bear my presence
I will know that the damage I have done has been negated
please God, please.
I hope that the man was simply adding punctuation to the sign...
Because I am out of options
and I am ready to repent.
5.14.2009
3.09.2009
The Secret Origin of Noone-man
warm moon tonight
but I'm not feeling all too hot
The densest words could not describe
the creeping inner rot
the trees are bathed in light
but the shadows they don't fall
and if there were someone to end my troubles
I'm certain that they would miss my call
because I'm just
slowly spinning into the starlight
romantic though it sounds
the sooner I fall to my knees the better
the sooner I blackout the sooner I can calm down
I'm tired of this endless breakdown
I wish I could just be still
cause the moonlight's weak and fading
to make pace with my weaker will
Car crash tonight
hardly anyone alive
and my heart feels for every driver
every cop who will soon arrive
the intersection's crowded
and the people they're aloof
I'm just watching from a distance
drinking away the truth
and I ask:
Where are they now?
what has happened to them
the heroes of my past
have they gone and hung up their capes for good
have they tossed away their masks?
because I'm falling from the highest height
waiting for my heroine
but she's stuck between the panels
and I've thrown hope to the wind
Look up in the sky
neither bird nor plane but it flies
all of the hopeless citizens gaze in wonder
wondering if they'll survive
but I've grown tired of empty costumes
truth justice and the American way
so I'll just sit here in this alley
drinking my past away
because I'm
slowly spinning into the starlight
romantic though it sounds
the sooner I fall to my knees the better
the sooner I blackout the sooner I can calm down
I'm tired of this endless breakdown
I wish I could just be still
cause the moonlight's weak and fading
to make pace with my weaker will
Where are they now?
what has happened to them
the heroes of my past
have they gone and hung up their capes for good
have they tossed away their masks?
because I'm falling from a hard earned grace
and getting used to a darker place
the world used to hold such promise
but it's broken
it's broken
it's broken
and so am I
who will save us?
who will save us
noone man
no one, man
who will save us?
who will save us
Noone man
no one, man
Warm moon tonight
but I'm not feeling all that hot...
but I'm not feeling all too hot
The densest words could not describe
the creeping inner rot
the trees are bathed in light
but the shadows they don't fall
and if there were someone to end my troubles
I'm certain that they would miss my call
because I'm just
slowly spinning into the starlight
romantic though it sounds
the sooner I fall to my knees the better
the sooner I blackout the sooner I can calm down
I'm tired of this endless breakdown
I wish I could just be still
cause the moonlight's weak and fading
to make pace with my weaker will
Car crash tonight
hardly anyone alive
and my heart feels for every driver
every cop who will soon arrive
the intersection's crowded
and the people they're aloof
I'm just watching from a distance
drinking away the truth
and I ask:
Where are they now?
what has happened to them
the heroes of my past
have they gone and hung up their capes for good
have they tossed away their masks?
because I'm falling from the highest height
waiting for my heroine
but she's stuck between the panels
and I've thrown hope to the wind
Look up in the sky
neither bird nor plane but it flies
all of the hopeless citizens gaze in wonder
wondering if they'll survive
but I've grown tired of empty costumes
truth justice and the American way
so I'll just sit here in this alley
drinking my past away
because I'm
slowly spinning into the starlight
romantic though it sounds
the sooner I fall to my knees the better
the sooner I blackout the sooner I can calm down
I'm tired of this endless breakdown
I wish I could just be still
cause the moonlight's weak and fading
to make pace with my weaker will
Where are they now?
what has happened to them
the heroes of my past
have they gone and hung up their capes for good
have they tossed away their masks?
because I'm falling from a hard earned grace
and getting used to a darker place
the world used to hold such promise
but it's broken
it's broken
it's broken
and so am I
who will save us?
who will save us
noone man
no one, man
who will save us?
who will save us
Noone man
no one, man
Warm moon tonight
but I'm not feeling all that hot...
2.16.2009
speedwrite for feb 16 oh god
rapidly writing to cleanse the mind
of traces of impulses left behind
the things I am pouring out on this page
are rantings and ravings or musings on rage
sage,
that line was no good
but I will not delete it
nor do I think I should
this is all important.
this is a record
this is a record
this is a record
a broken one clearly
the people will fear me when they see my new weapon
casually tucked in my jacket pocket
the new hotness
as it were
the new random
as it is
this is worthless
this is worthwhile
these are rhymes
filed away
riled up today
need to stay calm
need to stay chill
I will I promise you I will.
cannot promise I won't delete this
I'm no good at promises
of traces of impulses left behind
the things I am pouring out on this page
are rantings and ravings or musings on rage
sage,
that line was no good
but I will not delete it
nor do I think I should
this is all important.
this is a record
this is a record
this is a record
a broken one clearly
the people will fear me when they see my new weapon
casually tucked in my jacket pocket
the new hotness
as it were
the new random
as it is
this is worthless
this is worthwhile
these are rhymes
filed away
riled up today
need to stay calm
need to stay chill
I will I promise you I will.
cannot promise I won't delete this
I'm no good at promises
"That's quite a drop."
This time I'll do it
says the man in the window
hanging out
of the 30th floor
this time it's actually happening
he cries wolf too often
the wolves are coming for him now
the pedestrians casually pass him
the one looks up and dares him to do it
knowing he can't follow through
knowing that he'll come down and he'll come back to work
just like he always does
His legs tremble
the sweat is cold
he inches towards the edge
and just when you think he can't do it
he pulls out a gun
and shoots himself in the head
thinking
that will show them
that will show them
of course the metaphor wears thin
the suicide watch is certainly upon me by now
but this is not about death
this is about life
this is about shedding the parts of me that are weak
just like I often claim to do
I'll bury him in the forest with the others
the difference of course
is that this time
there isn't any of me left
I am a blank slate
primed with white acrylic
waiting for the light to shine on my subject
waiting for the proper moment to capture
I will paint a new me
It will be the culmination of all of my experiences
and that creature will wander this planet as a new creation
he will embrace all
he will take no prisoners
he will fear no man
he will have no shame
he will have no plan
I am new
improved
I am coming soon.
This will show them.
this will show them.
BANG. >[[[[[[[[[oooo**
.................... { ]\0\
......................... \o\
says the man in the window
hanging out
of the 30th floor
this time it's actually happening
he cries wolf too often
the wolves are coming for him now
the pedestrians casually pass him
the one looks up and dares him to do it
knowing he can't follow through
knowing that he'll come down and he'll come back to work
just like he always does
His legs tremble
the sweat is cold
he inches towards the edge
and just when you think he can't do it
he pulls out a gun
and shoots himself in the head
thinking
that will show them
that will show them
of course the metaphor wears thin
the suicide watch is certainly upon me by now
but this is not about death
this is about life
this is about shedding the parts of me that are weak
just like I often claim to do
I'll bury him in the forest with the others
the difference of course
is that this time
there isn't any of me left
I am a blank slate
primed with white acrylic
waiting for the light to shine on my subject
waiting for the proper moment to capture
I will paint a new me
It will be the culmination of all of my experiences
and that creature will wander this planet as a new creation
he will embrace all
he will take no prisoners
he will fear no man
he will have no shame
he will have no plan
I am new
improved
I am coming soon.
This will show them.
this will show them.
BANG. >[[[[[[[[[oooo**
.................... { ]\0\
......................... \o\
2.09.2009
Free Write For Tuesday, Feb 10th.
striving to feel something
she lashes out at her captors
who strike her down with whips
the chains that bind her
the cage that holds her
the things she knows of this world
the view between the bars
She sits at the bottom of a man made enclosure
staring up at the predators
the ones who have upset the balance
she feels so absent
replaced
powerless
she walks in circles to pass the time
but time never passes for her
life is but a dream
and she is rowing in place
surrounded by spectators
someday she might escape
the lioness cries for her pride
swallowed by the expansion
she stares at nothing
and bares her teeth at her own reflection
Eventually she grows tired
and she settles in to sleep
and in her dreams she wanders free
the night sky bleeds white lights
like falling stars
tears of a heaven she has no understanding of
but all dreams end
and she wakes up in the cage again
grr.
she lashes out at her captors
who strike her down with whips
the chains that bind her
the cage that holds her
the things she knows of this world
the view between the bars
She sits at the bottom of a man made enclosure
staring up at the predators
the ones who have upset the balance
she feels so absent
replaced
powerless
she walks in circles to pass the time
but time never passes for her
life is but a dream
and she is rowing in place
surrounded by spectators
someday she might escape
the lioness cries for her pride
swallowed by the expansion
she stares at nothing
and bares her teeth at her own reflection
Eventually she grows tired
and she settles in to sleep
and in her dreams she wanders free
the night sky bleeds white lights
like falling stars
tears of a heaven she has no understanding of
but all dreams end
and she wakes up in the cage again
grr.
Transit(ion)
How low can you go?
standing in a doorway
between two identical halls
a social gradient
a twenty-something delinquent
framed by taupe walls
frozen in time
broken watches
(archaic timepieces, made obsolete)
deleted
unseated
from a position of authority
downvoted by majority
and so he was ejected
in limbo now
and how
low can he go
will he hit rock bottom
or will something stop him
break his fall
catch and stall
his descent to the conclusion
who cares
smoke and mirrors
an illusion
the last chapter is seldom as satisfying as we anticipate
I can't relate to characters who see no sense in morality
and yet here I am
cast as one again
between two doors
yes, but then
aren't we always?
in transit
in transition
is each moment
not the bridge between two others
and so every second
we take a step
on a bridge over trouble of an unknown depth
and that bridge extends forever
so concerning ourselves
with its beginning and end
is an exercise in futility
and I'm out of shape
I lack resolve
I lack a rhyme scheme
I slack
I wrack my mind for a dream
to transcribe
trainscribed graffiti poetry
on depleted metro cards
it's too hard to focus
I lack attention
I appreciate my own deficiencies
but I'm still just a man
between two doorways
like we all are
A hall is just a series of doorways
A room is just a wide hall
A house is just a series of rooms
A neighborhood is a series of houses
We're in Transit.
We're always in Transition.
that was stupid. meh.
standing in a doorway
between two identical halls
a social gradient
a twenty-something delinquent
framed by taupe walls
frozen in time
broken watches
(archaic timepieces, made obsolete)
deleted
unseated
from a position of authority
downvoted by majority
and so he was ejected
in limbo now
and how
low can he go
will he hit rock bottom
or will something stop him
break his fall
catch and stall
his descent to the conclusion
who cares
smoke and mirrors
an illusion
the last chapter is seldom as satisfying as we anticipate
I can't relate to characters who see no sense in morality
and yet here I am
cast as one again
between two doors
yes, but then
aren't we always?
in transit
in transition
is each moment
not the bridge between two others
and so every second
we take a step
on a bridge over trouble of an unknown depth
and that bridge extends forever
so concerning ourselves
with its beginning and end
is an exercise in futility
and I'm out of shape
I lack resolve
I lack a rhyme scheme
I slack
I wrack my mind for a dream
to transcribe
trainscribed graffiti poetry
on depleted metro cards
it's too hard to focus
I lack attention
I appreciate my own deficiencies
but I'm still just a man
between two doorways
like we all are
A hall is just a series of doorways
A room is just a wide hall
A house is just a series of rooms
A neighborhood is a series of houses
We're in Transit.
We're always in Transition.
that was stupid. meh.
2.04.2009
We're not using the zed word.
Holed up in a shopping mall
like so many survivors
toting shotguns and sporting goods
waiting for the end
we pace slowly
we laugh weakly
we can see the futility of our struggle
but soldier on, friend
we will break free of this prison
all nightmares end
and most are forgotten
fight through the reanimated ghosts
for when we exit this place we will have made our peace
they will know our names
and we will be better for it.
like so many survivors
toting shotguns and sporting goods
waiting for the end
we pace slowly
we laugh weakly
we can see the futility of our struggle
but soldier on, friend
we will break free of this prison
all nightmares end
and most are forgotten
fight through the reanimated ghosts
for when we exit this place we will have made our peace
they will know our names
and we will be better for it.
2.01.2009
On the Necessity of Suicide Missions in Modern Combat Scenarios
MESSAGE START
------------------------------------
This will be my final transmission
commence radio silence
the static that once bisected this sky
the words that sang out atonally
the codes that remain unbroken
spoken for reasons unclear
all
--------------stop------------------
now
it may seem insane
ill planned
selfish
heroic
it is none of these things
it is simply necessary
an evil deed
to prevent further evil
an act of violence
to prevent future bloodshed
-------------stop-------------------
Disinformation is necessary
I cannot tell you what i must do
only that it must happen
I've spent my entire deployment here
carefully infiltrating
laying mines
I have grown attached to the armies
that I must now betray
and it will kill me to do so
I am not expected to return
they are burning my records
I am being denied
my life turned into a lie
-------------Die------------------
And so this is goodbye
I wish i could stir your heart
I wish these words could mean more
I want to be profound
I want the final shot in this film to be so beautiful
that in a single frame it all becomes clear
You need to know why I'm doing this
you need to know that this is because I care
------------Stop------------------
I will hurt you
nay, wreck you
I will turn you inside out
I will turn my back and walk away
and I will be destroyed
but I will have freed you
I make a lousy friend, anyway
------------lie----------------------
don't hate me
I never meant for this
I simply have no alternative
a better man could suffer this
and he's the one who deserves you
you were good to me
and I was good right back
and for a time it was fine
but the wear of war has worn our souls
and they must be healed
we must resign
-------------
someday we'll meet
like strangers on the field
like soldiers new to battle
like old friends
like young lovers
and we may yet be close
but that time is not arrived
and unless I fade to black right now
we will never live to see it
---------------stop---------------
I'm going to be there soon
and maybe you'll get this in time
so that when I face you down and tell you goodbye
you can look at me with solemn eyes
with a gaze that speaks volumes in silence
(like you've been known to do)
maybe you'll even stifle the tears until I'm through
-----------not likely----------------
I'm doing this for you
I'm doing this for you
I'm doing this for you
----------no stop-----------------
I loved you harder than anyone else
more truly
more deeply
I loved you with sincerity I have not since known
and I still love you
I will always love you
you don't stop.
you don't.
but I've got to be going now
I have a date with the business ends
of the weapons of all your angry friends
and when the bullets run me through
I will smile and look at you
and
--------------stop------------------
END MESSAGE
------------------------------------
This will be my final transmission
commence radio silence
the static that once bisected this sky
the words that sang out atonally
the codes that remain unbroken
spoken for reasons unclear
all
--------------stop------------------
now
it may seem insane
ill planned
selfish
heroic
it is none of these things
it is simply necessary
an evil deed
to prevent further evil
an act of violence
to prevent future bloodshed
-------------stop-------------------
Disinformation is necessary
I cannot tell you what i must do
only that it must happen
I've spent my entire deployment here
carefully infiltrating
laying mines
I have grown attached to the armies
that I must now betray
and it will kill me to do so
I am not expected to return
they are burning my records
I am being denied
my life turned into a lie
-------------Die------------------
And so this is goodbye
I wish i could stir your heart
I wish these words could mean more
I want to be profound
I want the final shot in this film to be so beautiful
that in a single frame it all becomes clear
You need to know why I'm doing this
you need to know that this is because I care
------------Stop------------------
I will hurt you
nay, wreck you
I will turn you inside out
I will turn my back and walk away
and I will be destroyed
but I will have freed you
I make a lousy friend, anyway
------------lie----------------------
don't hate me
I never meant for this
I simply have no alternative
a better man could suffer this
and he's the one who deserves you
you were good to me
and I was good right back
and for a time it was fine
but the wear of war has worn our souls
and they must be healed
we must resign
-------------
someday we'll meet
like strangers on the field
like soldiers new to battle
like old friends
like young lovers
and we may yet be close
but that time is not arrived
and unless I fade to black right now
we will never live to see it
---------------stop---------------
I'm going to be there soon
and maybe you'll get this in time
so that when I face you down and tell you goodbye
you can look at me with solemn eyes
with a gaze that speaks volumes in silence
(like you've been known to do)
maybe you'll even stifle the tears until I'm through
-----------not likely----------------
I'm doing this for you
I'm doing this for you
I'm doing this for you
----------no stop-----------------
I loved you harder than anyone else
more truly
more deeply
I loved you with sincerity I have not since known
and I still love you
I will always love you
you don't stop.
you don't.
but I've got to be going now
I have a date with the business ends
of the weapons of all your angry friends
and when the bullets run me through
I will smile and look at you
and
--------------stop------------------
END MESSAGE
1.26.2009
Empty Sleeves.
Watch as the magician crafts seemingly legitimate reasons for his continued absence
and then produces them from a top hat
as you look on
bemused.
and then produces them from a top hat
as you look on
bemused.
From a Notebook Predicting the Future
Fair is Fair
but to be fair,
it seems that's all that's fair nowadays
I have made mistakes in my selfishness
sought an immediate solution to a longstanding problem
betrayed
indulged
but still, this aimless feeling
It's not fair
or is it?
perhaps I perpetuate my own suffering
through these actions
perhaps if I strip myself of passenger belts
of safety nets
and simply fall...
I will be caught and lifted back to safety by karma
or
maybe not.
I mean,
after all...
life isn't fair.
but to be fair,
it seems that's all that's fair nowadays
I have made mistakes in my selfishness
sought an immediate solution to a longstanding problem
betrayed
indulged
but still, this aimless feeling
It's not fair
or is it?
perhaps I perpetuate my own suffering
through these actions
perhaps if I strip myself of passenger belts
of safety nets
and simply fall...
I will be caught and lifted back to safety by karma
or
maybe not.
I mean,
after all...
life isn't fair.
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