Sunday, June 17th: Overcast, with a 80% chance of Rain

my eyelashes are stuck together
like lovers embracing in a storm
like a romantic kiss in the parking lot
in a torrential downpour
the tears streak down my face from the outer corners of my eyes
and the sting is there before I feel it
and I am choked
and I am choking myself
and I am feeling like a contradiction
but I cannot articulate one for myself
I am not weeping for pain
or for fear
I am weeping because I know that I have hurt you
dishonored you
disrespected you
and I know that today, of all days
I have done my worst

the tears trace the corners of my lips
drawing a nice line between what I see
and what I act on
and if only you knew how it happens
and how I have only the best intentions
if only I knew

I am trembling
and shaken
and I am wondering if going away will solve this
and if it's selfish of me to think
that I could escape
and if it's ironic
that everything you told me I was
I am
everything I denied was true
is
and I'm still going to be alright


will you?


will you?





I wish you could see this
and I might show you someday
framed next to the sandcastle built for a forgotten love
a picture of what I meant to do for you
what I know you mean to me
and then it all might make sense
I'll be successful
and you'll be happy for me
and we won't see each other as much
and you will grow old and sad
and you will die


and I will weep at your grave
I will weep at your grave and miss you so much.


irony.


I want you to stop worrying about me
I want you to be happy
I feel like a burden on you
and I know that I am
and I know you love me
but we can't understand each other
and the problem is not the volume or density
it's the method
and we're different people
and I'm growing up
and you're proud of me
but you worry
you worry so much
I don't want you to worry anymore

I'm going to move away
and you'll stop worrying
and you'll be happy again

that's foolish.

you'll be lonely if I leave
and worried if I stay
which is worse?
missing someone you imagine
or worrying about someone who's real?


I'm going to move away
and you'll be sad
or proud

I'm going to move away
I'll be sad
I'll make you proud


I'm moving
you'll miss me
and I will miss you every day

because I love you, dad.
more than anything.



and you will grow old
and I will see you when I can
and we will finally both understand.

and you'll die.

and i'll weep at your grave
every father's day




the embrace ceases and the couple separates
but there is more rain now.

much more.