A restlessness sits in my right leg, behind the knee. it is 2:15 am.

I am contented and happy
and yet I cannot sleep
i bear the guilt of the guiltless
the concern of the ones without care
I search my mind for a reason I am awake, sitting here
typing
but I cannot find one.
I envy her
she can sleep and finds peace with ease
whether or not this peace is of her own construction is yet to be seen
does she create it as a curtain
behind which a cast of angry players
are ironically situated
while an audience checks their watches and reads souvenir programs?
or is she so grounded
so in tune
that she can simply find an inner peace
one that I can only access when my mind is too tired to fight back?
guards race to towers
armed only with regret
and I lay siege to myself
casualties
many casualties
I just want to go to sleep
I just want to release
I just want to calm down
calm down!
white flags are tattered by gunfire
lit into torches
there will be no compromise


where is my center?
If I were a circle, this might be easier
but I am not
I am shapeless
shiftless
aimless
hopeless
unless
perhaps you hold the key
perhaps I have been focusing on the wrong thing
not inside
outside
you make me happy
I am excitable
maybe I need to take a step back and think about you
and concentrate on what brings me so much joy
more than an embrace or a smile
a presence
a real presence
a love unlike any I have ever known


and weapons are lowered
and most of me is dead
but those that survive know how important this was

I fall asleep
writing poetry for the person
who sits squarely between my sides
below my top
above my bottom
and right where I need her