A Bad one, a Good one

A Bad one

I exhale abruptly
not of my own will
I've been winded by this news
this breaking story
up to the minute coverage
you're standing there waiting for a response
maybe a retaliation?
you're bracing yourself for what I say next
expecting mean spirits but knowing that you're safe
You're in control here, as you always are
I'm doubled over
and suddenly finding myself
single
I lift my head just enough to give you a sideways glance
like I could maybe somehow express my shock through it
But I suppose I had (seen) this coming
Something about your faded affection
and constant distraction
gave you away
going through the motions like you've given your two week's notice
and now we're here
and now you're silent
and then I speak
and then I keep quiet
but it matters not what is said
not anymore
because the one thing that held us together has just been severed

and though it's hitting me now
in this landlocked seasickness
this hung-over dumbfoundedness
I'm sure you'll get the worst of it

because that's what keeps me from throwing up.



A Good one

The air fills my lungs like it ought to
when I inhale.
I can taste something that wasn't there yesterday
it's rich and strong
like the taste of someone else drinking coffee
I smile
sincerely
which is something I don't do much
(a job in retail teaches you that a smile is neutral)
I can't remember feeling this light and airy
ever
though I'm sure i have
I'm just oblivious to the big picture
and maybe that's part of it
maybe ignoring everything that has hurt me is part of what keeps me from hurting
I exhale
as they teach you to when you're lifting weights
I always forgot that part
and I don't think I've ever been in shape
until now
no, now I'm exhaling
letting the things that I once held in a tight-fisted grip
drop to the floor
letting the vases smash
the china shatter
the milk spill
because those things can be replaced
and will be replaced
because life is cyclical
full of patterns
like a standardized test
or morse code

I'm breathing in again, slower this time
shallower
and I open my eyes
and you're there
and you're everyone that I've ever cared for
and everyone that I thought I'd lost
everyone who would never forgive me for what I did
and everyone who never left my side

And all this time I hadn't seen you there.