On Vanishing

There comes a time
when it becomes necessary
to cut your losses
to remove yourself from influence
and from the places in which you have it
My voice digs me into holes
and I've never been fond of excavation
but I have no choice sometimes but to be buried

Eric Brenham speaks to me from the mirror
smiling fiendishly
you look stupid
your hair looks stupid
your hooded sweatshirt is too large
your pants are too tight
your beard is ill-trimmed
No one gives a shit
not even me
I look right back at him
and I search for my response

I grasp at straws
I scramble for ledges
I claw at a smooth rock wall

I try so hard to find the thing that will bring my balance
and in the process I lay waste to the people and places that surround me
like a confused monster
in some metropolitan area

Erica Leslie Katharine Gasdon winks at me
smiling a similar smile
you're alone
she says
you're still alone
and you're going to chase every last friend away
just like I did

No

It becomes necessary to vanish
to disappear
if only temporarily
to not be anyone's problem
but my own

so I will
so I'll stop running my mouth
I'll stop pretending I can do this
cause I can't yet

But soon...
Soon.


Alone, Alonesty

You can do this.

Alone, Honestly

You can do this.

I'm vanishing.