I Think Jeff Soulliere is pretty cool guy, eh tries to speak his mind and doesn't afraid of repercussions.

I feel as though I'm a foot the the left of reality. As though everything that I would usually see is obscured, everything I usually feel is dulled, and everyone I usually know is a stranger. It is 9:00am and it feels like 10:00, I am early but I feel late, I am contented but I feel restless.

I have so many options, so many choices to make, and yet I feel on-rails. I am following a course written and described by someone else, like a narration that I'm unable to mute. I am coping, I am coping, I face down some awkward moment or emotion, and then I'm coping again.

But there are always moments of uncertainty, when I feel as though I'm going to jump the tracks. A wild and free lifestyle, of telling people what I really think and acting on my most private fantasies. Not being afraid of repercussions, of losing friends, of hurting someone's feelings... A life for me. Living for the daylight and regretting nothing. Selfishness, the cold and disgusting kind.

But I cannot abandon my relationships. I choose to stay on course
to handle things silently
calmly
to rarely cause a fuss
being content with these moments of hopelessness
that frame the exciting dreams of recklessness

I keep hoping that it ends up somewhere nice.
that staying civil is worth it
suppressing these urges
this frustration
this hate
this love
this lust
this disgust
Is only easy because I know how immature they are
but if I were to ever rationalize even one of them...

Hoo boy.

It is 9:10am. I feel 6 inches the the left of reality. I'll have forgotten all of this in ten minutes.
but it was good to embrace this moment of upset and capture it. A polarvoid of meaning. An arbitrary venting of a fleeting conflict.

9:15am. Breathe.