What I need/Put to Use pt. II

What I need
Is an easy way out
an escape plan
A way to feel whole again
what I have
is a long road ahead of me
many tests of character
trepidation

I cannot stand to think of it
I have to leave
but what then?
What if all that I get from driving those 18 hours
is another 18 hours to be alone
I will feel better
over time
but it feels like everything is working against me
in a room full of judges with pointed fingers
with gavels pounding

I have said it before
I say it again

I am being put to use!
My talents are stripped!
My abilities have been rendered useless when i need them most!

I am sitting in a hotel room with a clip-on tie,
wondering where my money went
Remembering the faces of my spectators
remember being surrounded in a casino by loyal supporters
they fade away
They go off
and they play the slots and they win
but I stand here at the roulette table and I laugh in my own face
and I keep trying
and I keep playing
and I gamble all of my money away

BAR BAR BAR
Yes, of a sort
another scotch, please

I am being put to use!
my conscious is tarnished!
the fortune cookie does not ring true!

I have made mistakes
and I have continued to do so
I have acknowledged my own faults before embracing them passionately
I watch myself plunge into darkness, only to scream
I told you so! I told you so!

I keep pretending to have made it up some small mountain
to have achieved, to have meant something

(You will scoff at this, I'm sure, I'm right back where I started)
(You will ignore this feeble attempt at sympathy, and I respect you for it)

I'm going mad
trying to create a tangible representation
of my worth
to feel like I'm doing something
I am walking in place
a treadmill in a 5k
an exercise bike on the tour de france
I mean something!
I swear it!

I am writing this and disappointed in every line.

I am being put to use!
My writing is a tool of expression!
My emotions are volatile and exaggerated!
I am using this for personal reasons!

I will vent all I want
I will vent all I want
I will vent all I fear
I will vent all I hope
But right now

I will vent.


Fuck you. Fuck everyone.


What I need is a reason to stop saying that
What I need is faith that things will get better
that I haven't cut myself off from every relationship I have
that I can grow up and take responsibility
instead of living in fantasy

What I need is a drink.

BAR BAR BAR

SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN