All I'm asking for is a five minute break, is that really so fucking hard? (A surrender)

I cannot take another second
I cannot sleep a wink
for every passing moment
a meter my feet sink
into regretful retrospection
or apathetic numbness
I am not strong enough to deal with this
I feel like a child
I am not a child
and yet I want to run free
free of...
free of what?
What keeps me imprisoned but my own habits and actions
I am working somewhere I hate
I am working on something I love
I am losing someone I care about
I am losing friends by the second
I am held accountable
I am held by no one
and I keep asking
what do I do?
and the empty void where my backup should be
the hole at my six
the chink in my armor
my rock
my strength
has no answer.

And I give up.


I want to quit my job
and sabotage this place
and do what I love
But you are doing what you love!
they say
In between doing what everyone else wants you to do!
and I smile
a crooked smile
with more than a hint of sadness
He says
This is it. It just gets worse.
His mother is dying
I don't blame him
I merely wish he were someone else.


So this is it then
self loathing and pity
and I will probably fall asleep
and what will happen will happen
and life will go on
as it never seems to end

I am Vicarious!
I would say
I am Vicarious! I will live the life of which I dream, at any cost!
But I am lying, aren't I?
This is too much.
I can't take it, I guess.



I will live.



I will endure.



Please God




If you are within earshot



as they say you always are




let me make it




let me wise up



I will endure

I will endur

I will end

I wil

I can't do this.


I need you


I can do this.


in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit


LISTEN TO ME!


HELP ME DAMNIT!




LISTEN!



.


And he passed out, overtired from the work
From the emotional stress
From lack of faith
And most importantly, because he had realized
That writing would do him no good.





.




.



.


and they say that the greatest of these is love
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE
I PROMISE YOU FRIENDS THAT I WILL BE FINE
RIGHT IN BODY IN SPIRIT AND MIND
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHINGand yet I know that
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
hope God, I fucking Hope so. is