To You,
the same thing
over and over
the same thing
over and over and over and over
like a broken gramophone
with a mint condition record
nothing wrong with my words
it's the worthless piece of shit that recites them
the needle scratches painfully into the groove
riding bumps and nooks i know all too well
I'm sick of this, I'm so sick of it
Fuck you. FUCK YOU.
I would, I have. I regret nothing, but some days I wonder.
I will hand you the keys when you are drunk, I will pretend you are someone else's
you are... right? No longer mine.
not my lover, not my problem
Friends, friends. Yes. No.
But I can't be friends with you like this.
Moderation, right? "I'll never be that person", right?
These lies fall on deaf ears that have grown accustomed to smiling and nodding.
I would do anything for you, even let you ruin your life.
I am your friend
I love what you were
I like what you are
But you aren't who you claim to be, increasingly, and you've slipped into habits you
PROMISED
you wouldn't fall into.
I have stepped on your path, once, twice.
Maybe again.
I admit I am susceptible to temptation
even more so than greater men
But I don't break promises that big so easily,
without so much as an apology
Without notice...
"You're not mad, are you?
I know you, jeffrey"
she says it like we are still in love
fuck that.
I tell her I'm not
And it is true.
I am just, like many parents, disappointed
free will is something I cannot grant or deny
God I would do anything for who you once were
but all you've done since then is be someone else
Why can't i tell you this?
Why can't I put my foot down and break this silence
scream at you until your ears bleed
my throat cracks
and the rains of the end fall?
that is the question.
This, my dear, is the answer.
I care, I care
I tried! I fucking tried to care!
I've been so forgiving, so easy to let go
(You will contend the opposite, that you were the forgiving one, but your understanding of what took place does not concern me anymore)
Oh, so you did this random guy, fine, ok I can't fault you but what the fuck
(It's true I can't, for I myself have faults beyond number)
But honestly? I loved you so much
I hate that you've become this person
you were wonderful before
even when you were stubborn
even when you were touchy
even when you refused to let me be right
I still liked that you better
But I am driving now
I am driving north on Schoenerr
I am listening to Sufjan
I am crying.
crying
because I know I'll be here with you
for as long as you allow
and it will hurt
I will hate it sometimes
but other times I will know wonder why I stayed
why I don't blow up.
I am alone again
All things go
(broken record this time)
I hate being alone
it makes me feel like I might be alone forever
Alonesty, Noun
no definition
just a reminder that I do something here
I do something important here.
I write out everything that hurts me
so it can never hurt me again
I'm hanging up the payphone
I am throwing out all of my change
all six hundred and fifty four dollars and thirty two cents of it.
I'm not going to leave you those voicemails anymore
the ones I have never sent
No more whining, no more wishing you would come back for one night
My love became a blind thirst for something out of reach
Hugging the polaroids of us
kissing the apparitions of our past
but they all fade
but they all fade
but they all fade
but they all fade
they all fade
they all fade
they all fade
they all fade
I've given up on it.
Given up on you
i find myself in the desert, across from the phone booth.
This much is true
I have feared this dirt for far too long.
I drink from the canteen full of sand
I choke it down, and leave all roads behind.
even the road that once lead to you
if I die, I will die free of worry
about finding a road somewhere, or back home
because I don't need a road
human legs are made for walking
even if it means they walk forever.
What happened? I loved you! what happened?
You can call me
I will answer
cell phone is roaming out here
but I think you're still free
Friends, Friends.
I will be here if you want someone to talk to
I will be here as an acquaintance
but don't cry on me when you're hurt
because I'm not going to save you
you won't let me
and I'm sick of trying so hard to make you understand.
I know that
You're sick of me
you said you've put up with this and now you won't.
Good. Great.
I'm glad, because you've opened the door for this very letter.
Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye
the same thing, over and over
I could read it to you from memory
like flipped over cards with stars and circles
I love you I hate you I like you I want you
I Love you I hate you I Like you I want you
I hate this I do
I like you I do
I love you, past a past I miss
I want you, present meaningless, this
but this will all move on
this will all pass
we'll laugh someday when we've both calmed down
Because I want us to be ok, I do
but until then I'll pray you fix this yourself.
because I need time alone too. Time to
let go let go let go
I will scream in my bathroom
to no avail
time heals all wounds
I'll care until that time comes
when I can leave these crutches at home
and not carry them along with me
but see them any time I want.
Polaroids, Pictures, Love Letters, Voicemails
But I feel like that time is finally arriving.
Yes, the strength is returning to my legs.
Goodbye
longwinded
I know
but there's just a lot i needed to say
to you
but you'll never read this. But you will
and if you do, this time of distress will have passed
From the bottom of my heart thank you for being who you were
because I loved you for a time
and now that that time has passed
let me be the first to say
thank you thank you
good night good night
I won't change you futile
I can no longer try
thank you thank you
goodnight goodnight
broken speakers now
I refuse to lie to you
Goodnight goodnight
Thank you
Thank me
someday
maybe
but until then
Goodbye.
Love,
Jeff
No comments:
Post a Comment