She will be expecting hers,

To Whom it May Concern:


No four letter words
thrown around in this one
I speak often on said topic
but not today
I will not wear its meaning further
the weight it once carried for both of us
has given way to a light emptiness
coupled with lightheartedness
I can't claim to understand what motivates you
what your situation is
and I don't need you to explain it to me
like a child asking about the sky's color
or where babies come from ("ask your mother")
but I can, with these words, document my feelings
in hopes that this letter will help you understand

I won't waste your time
with compliments
it's quite clear that you're beautiful
and I could spend several years
in a world of cliches
not a single distraction to break my gaze
from your eyes
the ones that act as steely shields
keeping me out of your thoughts
no I won't spend time
talking about all of the things
that I can't put my finger on
intangible nothings that are as sweet as they are mysterious
nor the way I feel when you're near
like I don't have to be what I was
because you've changed me

a chemical reaction
one you think is meaningless
because it is simply that, a chemical reaction
the imaginative ideas of romance
the mystical element
gone
You've seen the truth
you've read the facts
the numbers don't lie
A chemical reaction
everyone's desire and their collective lusts
heartbreak and break up and hookup and distrust
or lunches bought and dinner dates, poems, flowers, hallmark cards

or sometimes
something pure
that is simply functioning, oblivious to the numbers
what of that?
ignorance and honesty

an ignorance I wish we both had

You are a catalyst
and the dominoes fell long before you knew that you had nudged the first
whatever the reaction
it hit me
and I have done my best to deny it since
because you refuse to believe that I could really care
or maybe that's not it
maybe you're just afraid
or maybe you don't care for me
or maybe you would just rather be friends
or maybe you're not sure what to think
and all of this is ok
but I can't carry this word around
any longer
because it's beginning to grow heavy again

I want you to be happy
and I know it seems forward of me
or even pretentious
to assume that I could ever help you
with any of what you're feeling
and I know it seems
childish
that I'm this attached
I understand, and I feel that
some days I still look like a kid
but I want you to be happy
and if I can't make you happy
and if there's no chance that I ever will
I just want to know
Please just tell me that I'll never hold you
that I'll never kiss you again
that I'll never mean as much to you
as you mean to me
and I'll lay off, and I'll relax
and we can be friends

But I'm just asking you to consider
that maybe it doesn't matter
whether that chemical reaction means anything
because how you choose to experience it
is the only thing that keeps you from believing

I just want you to believe
even for a single night
that I could spark something
that I could make you happy
that I'm worthy of your love




Love,

Jeff